WARNING!~~~~~~WARNING!  —–Spoilers for The Witcher 3, Skellige Isles

Roach (my horse) finally got sick and tired of running throughout Velen and I had my fill of unreliable friends, so I figured I’d go and search for Ciri again!  (God forbid the Wild Hunt hadn’t killed her ass by now, with all of the time, I’d spent killing and saving womanizers!)

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Greatest Womanizer EVER!! Or as Louie calls him, Double-O Rapey

 

Obviously, Ciri has more frequent flyer miles than Alec Baldwin and his venture card.  How was I supposed to keep up with that, simple… get someone else to sail me to her last spot.  Lucky me, I end up being boarded by a bunch of marauders and guess who kicks my ass…the ship itself.   Crashing ashore the ship mast smacked me in the head and tossed me to the sand.  (Brings a whole new meaning to SMH)

On the beach, some wise ass figured he was gonna rob me; instead he picks a fight with me and ends up getting his ass handed to him, posthaste!

For some reason, I had a feeling, simply by setting my feet on the Skellige Isles, thievery was the tip of the iceberg here!  Apparently, the locals here pride of robbing, raping, pillaging and burning shit down!  (Essentially, they’re Vikings)  One example that comes to mind, is where a letter is written posthumously to his newborn son.  He writes, and I’m paraphrasing this.  Seek revenge on those who killed me, become a man by pillaging and plundering those responsible for my death.  Yeah!  Good family values!

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Using my trusty HUD….errrr map, I found THE women I was looking for, Yennifer, who I’m still puzzled why the fuck Geralt is in love with this BITCH!!  I mean, she is a real fucking ICE QUEEN!  Admittedly, she is smoking hot…really hot!  But she’s just got a effin’ heart of stone.  In comparison to Triss, is a MUCH better match for this guy.   Actually, let’s take a minute and do a compare and contrast!

Yen

-Cold bitch

-ALWAYS wears black

-Pretty much blowing the Emperor’s dong to get what she wants

-Keeps a stuffed unicorn

-Has Geralt pussy-whipped…seriously

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Hot or ICE COLD, I’ll go with the latter!

-Been the plot device and “love” interest for the series

-Yet she seems like she can’t stand Geralt

-Has zero remorse, empathy or care for anyone EXCEPT herself!

-Is ALWAYS deceptive to Geralt, which is annoying!

The EMPEROR says ?!

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Triss

-Is actually likable as a traveling companion  (Not a F*ckn bitch!)

-An emotional polar opposite to Yen in personality

-Mysterious but NOT deceptive, cruel and ACTUALLY gives a fuck about the people in the world

-Actually dresses in more than two colors

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Now in Technicolor!!!!

-Genuinely cares for Geralt

-Keeps the mementos and gifts that Geralt has given her!

-The rebound chick!

-Geralt got anmesia and she pretty much seduced him, but let’s be real he wasn’t complaining!  Even after he got his memory back!!
Yeah…I’ll pick the woman with the heart that beats.

The Chuck Says?!

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Back to what we were talking about.

Turns out that, not only is Yen kind of using Geralt, but it seems she’s trying to involve herself in the local power struggle.  Turns out the king here, just died and now everyone wants a piece.  As much as I try to get an answer from the “love of my life” (Geralt’s love), she just keeps saying, “in due time”, “oh, you’ll find out”, ya know….ARRRGH!!!  Just face it, she’s the bad guy, I know it!  But Geralt isn’t about to stop thinking with his dick and maybe handle business on his terms.

Meanwhile, during all this time between her using me to steal a magical item that probably would’ve doomed Skellige, and only led us in another direction and NOT to Ciri’s location.  Gotta love this wild goose chase!

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YAY!!!  Wild Goose Chases!!!!

On the plus side, me and Yen spent some quality time together and knocked boots.          ON THE FUCKING STUFFED UNICORN!!

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There’s good kinky and then there’s stuffed unicorns.  Bet the bronies loved this one!

 

 

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