Potential Spoilers for the Novigrad area in The Witcher 3.

After my failed attempt at playing Solid Snake in the nudie bar failed.  I was forced to fight my way out and find out who tried to kill me.  I was given hints to somebody named Junior.

(Great Tony Soprano Jr)

But before I left, I got to one of the bosses who turned out to be sort of undercover.            (or rather in hiding.)  So let me guess, another quest…….*sigh*  FiNe!!  It turns out one of my best buddies, ran out of people to hustle and decided to scheme a robbery of this mafia boss’ stash.

(REAL SMART!)

So know I not only had to track down, one of my old bros, I had to go track down and kill Tony Soprano Jr.

First, I checked out his casino and tore that place up.  Second, went to his underground fighting arena, won it and they sicked every man woman and child out to kill me….So I killed them all, too!  For some reason, I kept having difficulty finding to where this mob boss was!

(Oh wait, I chopped up all of my witnesses….Riiiight!)

Lastly, I checked, get this….his fucking house.   Huh, who would’ve thunk it!

Obviously, I was met with stiff resistance, which was chopped up like finely sliced garlic!  Low and behold, when I came into the house, there was already blood everywhere!                 (brain and skull detail!)

Who’d gotten there before me, that I was about the find out.  Turns out the blood wasn’t his, but all of the prostitutes he was paying for.  Sick asshole was torturing them and posing them!  (Apparently, he was taught the psychopath version of the birds and the bees) So, what does he do, you guessed it, pleads for his life.  Nope!  I made head into throw pillow for his sick lil’ boudoir.

Now with Ted Bundy’s cell mate out of the way, it was back to tracking down my retarded best friend.

My first stop was his girlfriend’s place.  Which shocked me, because this dude is a serious womanizer and not a very successful, but I’d give him an “A” for effort.  Most likely, he gave her herpes and she wanted to make sure nobody else got his lifelong gift.  Regardless, her tips let to us getting info about some dude who really knew where he was.

Thing is the dude is a shapeshifter, which is great.  So I spent the next two hours talking to every fucking, person, cow, chicken, tortoise, bird and NPC I could find.  Nope, nothing.    Oh  waiiiit!  He was the dumb guy with the bigass scar on his face we saved while searching for Hannibal Lector’s fanboy.

What is her bog plan in order to find this guy?!  Throw on a costume and perform a play that will bring him onto the stage!!

(Man, NOW I know why she digs this dude!)

Turns out the plan worked and we found Dudu….(Pfffttt…what a shitty name…doodie boy!)  Which he spilled the beans on her whiny BFF and no longer mine, because I needed a gdamn break!

(Fast forward through the week I spent nailing floozies and getting just to forget what I had to do next)

Which is when we decided to play a neat little trojan horse trick to spring him loose.  But that failed miserably and left me on a horseback chase and eventually to a spot where I nixed his a-hole captor.

After all of that, what does my best buddy in the whole wide world tell me, after spending GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH MONEY and TIME SAVING HIS ASS!

He said, “Thanks, but I almost had a handle on it and was certain to be let go, soon enough!”

Had his woman not been there, he’d have a foot up his ass!
Dandelion…I HATE YOU!!
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